I’ve been gone for 6 weeks with the exception of a few days… I had a side trip to France before my epic retreat in Greece, then onto Omega in NY to work with Rebecca Campbell again and fangirl over yogis, then to Ohio outrunning a friggin hurricane…. I’m desperate to ground, but perhaps that is not in the cards for this earth girl….
‘Grab me by ankles, I’ve been flying for too long…’
I left on a new moon in August, and would stay till the full. Leo season, of course. It’s always a Leo…. I’d be on that magic island where I don’t sleep and don’t need to. I’d laugh and play and love hard and teach from my guts and just do my soul work. I’d have my heart expanded and broken, all in the course of a growing moon, and I’d come home and be new. I’d be healed. I’d be clear. And this year would be different. I wouldn’t stall out like I did last year. I’d finally be fucking ready. I’d close out this three month astrological shit storm saying goodbye and hello from my soul home on that shore in Santorini where I met my heart and lost my mind and found myself years ago…. and that would be that…. or so I thought…. But as always. There’s more.
So all of that happened… And as the moon grew, so did my restless nature. I preach and practice stillness, but my perpetual now keeps my feet tangled and my heart homeless. So I went down to my beloved black beach. Followed by my soul sisters and big brothers and one false witness. We brought words and fire and stars and I did not have plan because I’ve never died before. I sat in the shore and they pushed the earth over and around me and I invited parts of me to die. The fears and the sickness. The weakness. The stuckness. The indecision… The victim…. I would have more deadly battles, but slow deaths make you ready for the battlefield. From the girl who has never fallen…. From the girl who doesn’t look sick. From the one who started it all, unwell and unready and alone and without…. I invited it all to go. I was done with the story and needed no identifying marks. I cried and screamed and fought and surrendered in the same sobbing breaths. I heard my voice and so did this world. I was held. By the earth, by the loving souls who have trusted me with theirs, and I’ll never forget the looks in their eyes as I opened mine… They lit the fires and read the words and threw the stars and layed the hands…. And I don’t know where time went, or if it was ever real. I was scared and I did it anyways. I let down my guard and took off my clothes and ran freely into the Agean Sea. And I flew home at night, under the fullest of moons. Reborn. Ready.
And the burial wasn’t enough. I guess my (re)birth would be slow and uncertain, just as my old self’s death. I’d have to travel again, hardly repacking my bag, with a new circle, and soul sisters and different books, and different looks, and there was no special moon this year, but the rituals would not be lost. I spent my last penny to chant through the night and cry and pray and sing and offer it up. It burned as usual. I thought my voice was free…. The days were the same and I was bored and ready and could.not.get.home…. This time I would burn it down. My element of choice, as we circled the flames hand in hand, and called in the directions and sang each other home and offered anything that was left into the ceremony of fire, not to cover it up or wash it away, but to TRANSFORM it, and I’m glad I stayed. I already said I was ready, but my warning was to rest….
And still it was not time to be ready. I had to go again. I needed to escape a hurricane and my tired feet were not allowed to stay home. I was still not permitted to do my work, and I fought that, too. And I raced the winds, and unwritten words flooded my mind and I remained uprooted, and would have to wait…. What’s 10 more days when you’ve waited your whole life to come back home to your self?
Fall begins, and this moon swells all the way, and my schedule is unrealistic, and everybody’s too busy to help and I am tired again, and I am ready. For this season. This moon. This life. I don’t feel any different, but after all this…. it’s inevitable. I’ve got things to say, and people to help and truths to tell, and none of them will be easy. But I buried all of my excuses and burnt down my walls and washed away the limits… Which I highly recommend, but most of y’all ain’t ready…. This ain’t gonna be pretty… But I’m ready. It’s my favorite season. This season belongs to the wild woman. It came in tearing things apart, and it’s dedicated to the falling away, and I’m no stranger to loss…. I’m ready to lose it all again and again if it ain’t right. I got a clear message to rest, but as usual, I’ll have to do my work while I continue to heal, as this was always my work to do…. I hope you’re all ready. For whatever changes come. For all the cleaning up the wreckage…. You’re gonna have to trust me or let me go…. I’ll be squirming and fighting all the way, always uncomfortable, but I’m ready. Here’s to the fall…
‘I thought I was flying but maybe I’m dying tonight…’